


out of reach

by angstoverload



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst and Feels, Character Death, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Feelings, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, I'm Sorry, Love, M/M, Mentioned Park Woojin - Freeform, Mentioned Park Woojin/Park Jihoon, Minor Kang Taehyun/Huening Kai, Moving On, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Poetic, Relationship(s), Sad, Sad Choi Soobin, Songfic, Spaceships, Unrequited Love, blame the song? hehe, song inspired fic, this is just sad im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26216893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstoverload/pseuds/angstoverload
Summary: a forever always seems so close to touch, but is always out of reach. a forever is better when it is together.soobin realizes this the hard way.(alternatively, soobin tries to live without yeonjun. tries.)
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Minor Choi Soobin/Choi Beomgyu
Comments: 18
Kudos: 51





	out of reach

**Author's Note:**

> i wanna call this my brain baby but since the brain is logical and this fic is anything but that, i'll call it my heart baby. 
> 
> **WARNING TAGS** : The fic revolves HEAVILY around a major character's death, and also contains depictions of panic attacks, and a bit of blood at the end. It isn't too explicit, but I'd like to put this out just in case.
> 
> special thanks to ri for giving me feedback without which i honestly could Not have finished this fic as perfectly as it is now. you should check [her fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soobunkoo) out too!!
> 
> here's a [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3TncvkKU61Zp9sByBD0KOq?si=DdXCwpZAS2a_m8P_h9-n5A) i made for this fic! hope you have a nice reading~

_embracing the loneliness called you,_

_i close my eyes again._

✨

all soobin receives, one month later, is two notebooks and a box full of memory drives.

he can only chuckle sadly.

he smiles weakly as he signs the delivery screen hovering before him and plugs it back to the mailbox; feels his entire body weighing him down to exhaustion, wanting to go back into his cocoon of a bed again.

he knows beomgyu will drop by later, but doesn't know if he has the will to even be happy about it. he couldn't find it anymore, the feeling of happiness. he doesn't know if he ever will, if he's being honest.

he sees huening kai at a corner of the living room, looking at him with forlorn eyes, not knowing what to do. soobin feels pathetic, pitiful, but he doesn't— _cannot_ care.

of course, no one would know what to do for a person who just lost their loved one to a freak accident— in _space_ of all places. soobin knows this very well.

in year 22419, space travel is as normal as going to the town next to yours by car. and as it goes, space accidents are also very, _very_ normal.

but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"soobin," kai calls out, breaking him out of his thoughts. "you have to eat something. please?"

soobin knows. he knows he has to eat something, do something, _live_.

but how can he, when all that he sees when he closes his eyes is the fading image of a warm smile; when all that he hears in his solitude is a laughter that he is afraid he will forget one day?

how can he live, when yeonjun is not there anymore?

soobin stares at the box in his hand blankly. yeonjun's neat handwriting stares back at him. leave it to yeonjun to still stick to traditional writing instead of print.

"i will." he says to kai, not looking at him. he knows that they are empty words anyway.

he has the way to his room memorized by now. after all, that is the only place he stays in these days. even with the remnants of yeonjun all around him, drowning him in memories and _pain_ , he doesn't leave.

he shuts the door behind him, feeling everything weigh on him heavily. 

no, he didn't want to think, after a whole month, that yeonjun is _gone_. he didn't want that thought in his mind. he does not want to think of a time, of a world where he cannot reach the hands of the elder, where he cannot caress his face and press a kiss on top of his lips.

maybe, if he doesn't think of it, maybe it will not be there anymore. maybe everything will go back to how it was.

he feels it; the overwhelming feeling taking over, weighing his heart and hurting it. he feels something uncomfortable at the pit of his stomach.

he crumples, right beside the bed, the box in his hand tumbling out and the contents spilling all over the carpet.

before everything goes dark, he sees his reflection in the mirror. he sees his half-lidded eyes, his lithe body lying haphazardly against the bed.

the darkness is grateful, blinding him and his brain enough. even then, all he sees, all that haunts him, is choi yeonjun.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

he wakes up to a bright light right above him and winces, closing his eyes shut once again. why can't he just sleep again?

"soobin!" he hears a loud voice, and immediately knows who it is.

"beomgyu," he gives a small smile to the younger. "you're here?"

"yeah, hyuka called me to come over." beomgyu replies, holding onto soobin's hand tightly.

soon, the air around them turns heavy, unspoken thoughts waiting at the tip of the tongue. soobin only wants to go back to sleep for a little more.

(maybe forever.)

"hyung," beomgyu speaks after the long few moments of silence. "do you remember what happened?"

soobin gulps. he doesn't. he didn't want to tell beomgyu that he doesn't remember the last time he had a proper meal, or the last time he talked something that wasn't just two words.

he settles on shaking his head.

beomgyu, now caressing his thumb lightly, continues: "you… you got his ship's memory drives. yeonjun's."

the name brings an indescribable pain to his heart; one he struggles to not show on his face. he closes his eyes. the image he sees is even more faded than before.

he unconsciously grips onto beomgyu's hand a bit tighter. in a corner of his mind, he pretends it's yeonjun's. tries to see the image a bit clearer, to not let it fade to the back of his mind.

"and… and then you passed out." beomgyu adds. "hyung, will you look at me?"

soobin nods, opening his eyes once more. the light is much more bearable now.

the bed feels a lot emptier.

"i-i don't… i don't have the right to tell you to feel better. i _can't_ say that to you. i know how important yeonjun-hyung was to you. and i know you miss him. we all do." he says, voice heavy with grief that even soobin feels it, tangible enough to hang in the air. "but… do you have to torment yourself for something that wasn't— wasn't your fault?"

soobin loosens his grip on beomgyu's hand, deep in thought. beomgyu's words revolve around his mind.

soobin would shake his head, say _no, i deserve to be like this_ , but he doesn't. because no one knows what happened before the accident.

before yeonjun left him.

and somewhere in his heart, soobin is scared everyone would leave him if he says it.

("soobin, you're being ridiculous."

"is wanting to be with my boyfriend for _few_ more days ridiculous?" soobin spat back. "why do they need you so badly? you're only gonna drive around the spacecraft anyway, they can find someone else."

soobin knew he had hit a sore spot; the grim look on yeonjun's face told enough. but really, was he to be blamed? yeonjun had returned just a month ago after his three-month long voyage. soobin was content, he really was, but can't he ask to stay with his boyfriend a little longer?

"it's just ten days, soobin, it's for a delivery to cluster 30. everyone else are busy with other deliveries." yeonjun says, stretching his hand out. "i'll be back; i'll take three months off! we can go to the _starra_ valley too. a vacation, just us. what do you say?"

soobin stared at yeonjun for a long minute before sitting straight. "i don't care, do whatever you want." he said, head low and eyes glazed with unshed tears. "good night."

"soobin…"

"wake me up when you leave tomorrow. i'm—" he stood up abruptly, fumbling cluelessly. "i'm just gonna go sleep."

he heard yeonjun's dejected sigh as he closed the door.

soobin had thought then: it was just ten days; yeonjun would return and their rough patch would be smoothened again with just a kiss. like it always has. he was looking forward to their vacation, even.

all he got after ten days was the news that _star voyage 913_ had crashed during its return, right outside the east horizon, and that there were no survivors.

and the ghost of a kiss lingering on his lips.)

he didn't know when he had drifted off to sleep again, only waking up later into the night, body even more exhausted than before. there is a low sound of whirring beside him, and he turns around to see huening kai sleeping beside him and his laptop— the source of the sound— forgotten on the floor.

soobin found the younger curled into himself in one side of the bed, just one hand reaching out to hold the hem of soobin's hoodie. a weak smile makes its way to his face; huening had always slept as he held onto something. _a comfort_ , hueningkai had told him, _that i had someone with me_.

he feels his muscles stretch out painfully as he turns around, his arm reaching out to hold the younger a bit closer. he lets a content sigh escape his lips when huening leans in closer, his hand now across soobin's waist.

under the moonlight streaming through the window, soobin spots tear tracks on the younger's face. 

_had he been crying?_

he lets out a shaky breath as he rests his chin on top of hueningkai's head, feeling the other's evened out breathing on his chest. it grounds him, in a way, keeps his mind from wandering around.

he stays wide awake that night, one hand caressing the younger's hair. he couldn't help but wish that it was yeonjun who was there, with him, curled against his body, even though he knew it was in vain anyway. 

as he closes his eyes for the third time, right when the sun is rising across the horizon, he thinks he feels a phantom kiss on his lips. hears a soft 'goodbye' whispered into the air. feels an unspoken promise to return soon being made.

"but…" soobin whispers into the air of dawn, a long sigh leaving his lips. "but you didn't keep your promise."

(soobin would give anything to go back to that night. just to give yeonjun one last kiss. just one.)

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

it's only when taehyun asks (forces) him to join him for lunch that soobin steps out of the house, two months later.

the sun is scorching and bright, yet somehow dull and monotonous. grief is weird like that, it dulls down whatever you see.

he meets taehyun near the station, spotting the familiar short figure almost immediately. taehyun grins widely as he sees the elder and runs to him, arms extended for a hug.

"it's been so long, hyung! i'm glad," taehyun says, linking his arm with soobin's immediately. "now, let's go!"

soobin resorts to listening to whatever taehyun was rambling with a little smile, only responding with short replies and hums of acknowledgement, not really feeling up to talking. this was a feat enough for the day.

occasionally, he stares at the people around him, at the platform, in the train, by the streets, above him, below him. swarms of people, all occupied with something or the other. soobin remembers a time when he was like that, too. he remembers waking up late on mondays, rushing to the office as he struggled to put on his id band.

he also remembers coming home to a familiar, comforting warmth.

he sighs, tearing his sight away. the sky is bright, too bright, reminding him too much of what he doesn't have.

everything hurts, but soobin keeps up with a faint smile.

taehyun is the one who keeps talking, about the reports he has to prepare, about the mishaps that happen at his office, about the parties he went to and the people he met. but underneath all that, soobin knows there's something else that taehyun had called him for.

"so, hyung…" taehyun starts, slurping a spoonful of the soup before them. "i… i mean you know this, but i…"

soobin knows where this is going, but acts nonchalant anyway.

"i like huening?"

soobin only laughs a little. "finally."

"wait, you knew?"

"of course. i've seen the way you are around kai, it's so frustrating. even yeonjun knows—" he pauses, biting his lip. "— _knew_ about it. we talked about it all the time."

taehyun doesn't continue, only looking at soobin. soobin knows the look; he has seen it in everyone's eyes for two whole months, after all.

"are you going to confess to him?" he asks, hoping to change the topic.

"yeah," taehyun smiles again. "this week. i'm taking him to the cliff uphill."

"that's good. you know, we even had a—" soobin pauses again. he _really_ needs to have a filter.

taehyun looks at him curiously, pitifully, as if he's ready with words of consolation. "n-no, it's okay, it's nothing." soobin dismisses it, hiding behind the cup of water.

"soobin," taehyun says, hand reaching out to hold soobin's. "it's time you move on, don't you think? i'm sure yeonjun hyung wouldn't want you to—"

"can we," soobin says, perhaps a bit too harshly. "can we… not—?"

he doesn't have to spell it out for taehyun to understand. the younger looks like he's about to say something, but doesn't. soobin could spot the hesitation on his face.

"sorry," taehyun says instead. "... do you think i'll do well? with hyuka?"

soobin smiles, glad for the change of topic. "well, it's kai we're talking about. he isn't hard to please. just give a grand romantic gesture," soobin breathes out a laugh. "you'll do just fine."

taehyun grins, and they return their focus on their food. it's quiet, but soobin likes this kind of silence. it's not really suffocating or forceful.

"i heard you got his box." taehyun speaks up again.

soobin grips the spoon a bit tighter, breathes in a bit deeper. the heaviness inside his heart peeks its head again. it seems permanent, now.

"did you open it?"

he shakes his head, and the conversation is left at that.

hours later, when he's back at home, he takes the box from his table.

**_Memory Drives_ **

**_ship name:_ ** _star voyage 913_

 **_number:_ ** _SV673_

 **_pilot:_ ** _daniel c. (yeonjun)_

_(20.07.22414 - 16.04.22419)_

**_count:_ ** _21_

**_RETURN ONLY ON PILOT'S REQUEST_ **

soobin opens the lid, and immediately spots a number of small drives. exactly twenty one of them. they're all numbered in order, again, in yeonjun's handwriting. however, one drive stands out to him the most.

it was the first gift soobin ever gave him, two months after they met each other, after soobin came to know he's a spaceship pilot. it stood out from the other black-colored drives with its bright blue shade, yellow embellishments drawn on top of it. on the label was a number, a date and three words that none of the other drives had.

_41200_

_march 15, 22419_

_i love you_

his hand reaches out for that drive in particular, letting nostalgia fill him. this one doesn't hurt as much, strangely.

("happy birthday!"

"oh, you didn't have to…" yeonjun trailed off, the blue drive safe in his palm.

"how could i not? we're friends now!" soobin exclaimed. "and i saw this at the store and thought of you, so i bought it."

yeonjun smiled widely, hand curling around the drive. "thank you!"

under the dim lights of the room, soobin didn't spot the elder's pink ears.)

soobin lets his hand rest on the table. time seems to have slowed down as he keeps staring at the blue drive, his hand painted designs fading but still visible enough.

he's split in thought: a part of him wants to open it, but a part of him doesn't. it's a fight in his mind, one that has been going on for a considerably long time. he has pushed it to the farthest corners of his mind; he did _not_ want to deal with that.

soobin knows he has to move on _someday_ , but he is not ready. doesn't think he will ever be.

it felt scary, to move on from someone whose existence he depended upon. he had not even imagined a life without yeonjun, so to actually _live_ in it now… he doesn't know what to do. it had always been yeonjun-and-soobin, and he doesn't remember the time it wasn't like that. didn't imagine a time where it wouldn't be that.

he thinks he spots something in the corner of his vision and turns, only to see an empty space. but it feels like someone is there, staring at him.

_am i finally going mad?_

he shakes his head and turns back to the box. enough of taking feats for the day.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

(soobin is awake till the clock strikes twelve.

 _september 13_.

yeonjun would have been 28. they would have spent the night quietly, cuddling each other. soobin would have quietly slipped away to bring the cake he had bought for him, and light just two candles before bringing it to the room. he would have seen the candle light reflect in yeonjun's eyes and reveled in it before yeonjun blew out the candles, eyes closed tight in prayer. soobin would have pressed a kiss to yeonjun's forehead, his cheeks, and then finally his lips. they would have forgotten the cake on the table and went back to sleep, holding each other a bit tighter.

all that remains beside him is a cold space that almost burns at touch.

"happy birthday," he whispers into the air; hopes yeonjun hears it. "love you, jun."

the ghost of a kiss still remains on his lips.

"miss you." he says as sleep takes over.)

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

it's the weekend, and the uncomfortable feeling comes back again; settles in the pits of his stomach, only growing in size.

weekends used to be their day. they would sit on the couch, play some simple romcom movies on their age-old hologram tv that yeonjun insisted on buying, and cuddle together. on days when yeonjun would not be home, they would call each other and talk for hours, a movie playing in the background. soobin would make sure to have at least heard yeonjun's voice by the end of the day.

it has been two months, and weekends have not been any easier for him.

usually, he would try to spend the entire day asleep; if it was only his conscious self that brought him the memories and pain, he figured it's better to just not be awake. he'd curl up on the bed, determined to sleep the entire day off, and still wake up in the evening, the seams of the orange sky sealed off by the horizon and letting a darker sky in.

he'd stay awake, the memories would still come to him, and he would still feel the pain in the phantom hole in his heart.

today, he's out at the market, following a hyper beomgyu who enters every stall and tries out the free samples. maybe beomgyu knew how hard it was for soobin, or maybe he was just bored after a long week of work, but he always made sure to take soobin somewhere out on saturdays; well, on most saturdays that he was free. anyway, soobin was glad for the distraction.

"okay, where do you want to go next?" beomgyu asks, falling in step with soobin.

"you're the one dragging me around," soobin laughs. "wherever you wanna go."

"nice choice, because i'm gonna go to the park." beomgyu grins cheekily. "and we're gonna have _more_ food."

soobin mocks a groan in response, but follows the younger. sometimes, beomgyu is a good distraction. he almost feels like nothing is wrong whenever he's with him, as if nothing happened.

as if yeonjun was still there, just a few days away from returning home.

the walk to the park is a short one. soobin notices off-handedly that they had visited this place before. beomgyu is talking about something animatedly. soobin had lost track a while ago but doesn't say it, just smiles and hums in the right places.

his phone buzzes in his pocket, distracting him. he takes it out to check what it was, but pauses when he sees the screen.

beomgyu had not noticed that soobin had stopped on the way, and turns around the find the older staring blankly at his mobile. he takes a few steps back to peek into what had taken his attention.

soobin doesn't spot beomgyu near him; just stares at the picture. it feels a little too distant, to see this picture after a long time. soobin remembers it being taken a year ago, when they had went to the space museum. he could see the hologram of a huge galaxy just behind them.

"soobin," beomgyu calls, but the latter doesn't respond. "soobin hyung."

soobin finally blinks, looking up and around till he spots beomgyu. "let's— let's go, come on."

beomgyu looks at him, forlorn.

soobin pretends he spots a robot flying in the sky and walks ahead.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

the world runs in strange ways.

soobin steps inside his office after three months. he had just seen the departure of another _star voyage_ ship before entering the office, which left him in considerable anxiety. _will they be okay? i hope they're okay. i hope they don't—_

he pauses, both in his steps and his thought. it takes a long moment before he shakes his head and walks ahead, into the office.

it's the same, everything is the same, and yet soobin feels out of place. like he doesn't belong here. or anywhere.

the world seems like a stranger all of a sudden, and him the outsider who stepped in with no clue.

"i'm so happy that you're back, soobin," sooyoung greets him with a smile, and he smiles back out of courtesy. "your desk is just the way you left it."

soobin dreads it.

the thing is, soobin wasn't planning on going to the office at all. but when he looked at his inbox and the thousands of emails that flooded them, guilt overtook grief. he really shouldn't have abandoned his work like that.

he smiles back out of courtesy as sooyoung guides him back to his desk. as she had told, everything was left the way it was before.

he spots the three polaroids he had stuck on the wall of his table. he spots the fox-shaped pen holder. he spots the little hologram disk, and knows that he'll see yeonjun in it when he turns it on. his fourth anniversary gift; a painful reminder that there is not going to be a fifth, or a sixth, seventh or eighth.

he remember the way his world crashed, right here.

"thank you," he forces out, though his throat feels like sand. "i'm sorry it took me this long to—"

"i understand, soobin." _no, you don't. you won't._

 _you'll never_.

 _i hope you never_.

"i'll tell daehwi to send you the list of our new suppliers so that you can get started, hm? you can just spend today reading up on it, no need to rush."

soobin nods, hands toying with the hologram disk.

he forces a smile and bites his tongue; waits till sooyoung is out of sight. he _really_ does not want to have a breakdown now, let alone in front of his boss. it's only when he feels metal coating his mouth that he stops, wincing at the pain.

work is… work. there isn't anything that soobin finds different, and he learns the names of the new dealers and products almost immediately.

man-made resource trade with neighboring planets was what kept earth running, even millenium after earth had been exhausted of her resources. thankfully, humans had enough brains to invent a way to create resources that imitated natural ones, with much less cost of production and much more profit.

yeonjun just called it as humans bribing earth and exploiting her till the last drop.

soobin lets out an involuntary laugh at the memory, and continues with typing away at the keyboard.

maybe he was getting better at this. pretending, at least.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

it's another night of sleep evading him completely. soobin cannot remember the last time he had a full night's sleep.

he stares at the dark ceiling, the moonlight flooding in through the open window. the city was still awake, the neon lights creating a separate horizon. soobin could see cars flying about outside the window.

"hyung," he speaks. did he ever do that? he doesn't know what compelled him to do it today. "you won the bet. hyunnie's gonna confess to kai." he chuckles, but it barely feels happy.

("i'm _telling_ you, hyunnie will be the first to confess!" yeonjun sat up a little, leaning against the frame of the bed. "they're oblivious, yeah, but taehyun will be the one to confess. i just _know_ it."

"kid yourself, kai is _actually_ gonna be the one to confess first. that boy has so many feelings, so he'll be the first to figure out that they like each other and confess."

soobin knew it sounded stupid. how can two people who like each other not know it themselves? but that was taehyun and huening kai, frustratingly oblivious to their feelings.

"fine, how much do you want to bet?" yeonjun turns to lie on his stomach, hugging a pillow.

"but is it really that big a thing? i mean they're the _last_ ones to find—"

"twenty. deal?"

"oh, you're _on_." soobin said. "i'm gonna be twenty bucks richer soon!")

soobin doesn't know when he drifts off to sleep, but he wakes up to his alarm piercing the heavy silence in the room.

ah, right. yeonjun's favorite song.

as the song fills the empty room, fills his ears and his mind and heart, soobin lets himself bask a little in the sunlight that flows into the room. how long has it been since he appreciated the little things of life?

it's just another day to get through.

(soobin leaves the money on the table before he leaves.)

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

it becomes a sort of habit for soobin to take the memory drives in his hand everyday and just fiddle with them, never opening one of them. he had tied the blue one in particular to his keys, bringing it wherever he went. it raised a few eyebrows, mainly because not many drives were seen out in public. and even if they were, it only meant two things: either the pilot had retired, or the pilot is, well, dead.

soobin gets better at ignoring the pitiful glances strangers send him when they spot the drive. he gets used to his friends watching him with eyes full of worry. he also gets used to the weird feeling of absence.

" _maybe you should open it and see, soobin._ " daehwi speaks from the call projector.

he hums lowly in reply, hands fiddling with one of the drives.

"i just…" he pauses, trying to find the right word to explain the weird feeling bubbling inside him. "i don't know. if i should open it."

the feeling isn't _simple_ ; it feels like a mix of everything crashing against him like a wave. he feels a headache make its appearance, and groans quietly to himself.

" _you don't want to open it?_ "

"no, i do," he sighs. "i just don't know if i want to do it… _now_ ." the words _or ever_ sits at the tip of his tongue.

it's a weird feeling, to stand between a _yes_ and a _no_. to want and to not want.

" _well, you'll never know unless you do it_." daehwi smiles softly. " _soobin, you have to move on. you can't stay like this forever. maybe this is the way._ "

soobin continues to stare at the drive, mind swimming with questions. _why can't i? i can just live like this forever. it isn't all that difficult. i can just ignore everything. why does everyone keep saying i have to_ move on _? i love him; can't i keep remembering him?_

" _just open one drive, soobin. then you can decide if you want to open the rest._ "

soobin lets out a sigh yet again, still split in half about the decisions. he doesn't know why he is so hesitant to just _open_ these damn memory drives.

(in a deeper part of his heart lies the answer:

he doesn't want to accept that yeonjun is gone. maybe, just maybe, if he doesn't open the drive, maybe yeonjun would come back. they would take the drives back. yeonjun would be back, and everything would be fine.)

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

soobin wakes up abruptly at midnight to a loud _hyung!_ , a cake dangerously close to his face, and a widely smiling beomgyu.

"happy birthday, hyung!"

oh.

"birthday?" he thinks out loud.

"yes, birthday!" beomgyu exclaims. "i went through hell to make hyuka let me in, please don't get mad."

soobin smiles weakly, heart swelling with a feeling akin to happiness. is it really that strange, for him to feel happy, genuinely happy after such a long time? it almost feels foreign, like something he's _not_ supposed to feel. like happiness isn't supposed to be his.

"hey," beomgyu's gentle voice breaks his growing chain of thoughts. "come on, make a wish."

in the dark room, the only light soobin sees is the candles on the cake and beomgyu's eyes reflecting the flickering flame.

it feels like a jolt passes through him, except it only keeps him calm, assured. like everything is going to be fine.

his hand feels empty as he blows the candles, the only light of the room now gone too. it still feels empty as beomgyu snuggles in for a hug, handing the cake over to a still sleepy and whiny hueningkai standing somewhere near the bed.

"you seriously woke me up for a cake you two aren't even _eating_?" he cries. soobin only laughs silently, watching their antics. "good fucking _bye_. consider this cake forgotten." he takes a step back, but pauses. "happy birthday, hyung."

soobin smiles and nods. "thank you, kai."

"and _please_ tell this guy to stop disrupting my sleep, i'm literally still a college student."

beomgyu sticks his tongue out at hueningkai, who returns the same before walking out of the room.

"happy 27, hyung," beomgyu says, long after hueningkai had left the room in favor of proper sleep. soobin's hand is resting on beomgyu's head. soobin doesn't know what time it is, but recognizes the telltale signs of sleep taking over his senses. he stays with his eyes closed, waiting for the darkness to take over him whole.

the silence of the room and beomgyu's even breaths are enough to lull soobin into sleep. that is, until, beomgyu breaks the silence.

"love you." he says, voice barely above a whisper.

soobin hears it, but pretends he's asleep.

he still pretends— or at least tries to pretend— that he's asleep when beomgyu presses a small kiss against his lips; the softest, most innocent and chaste one. it's filled with a different kind of emotion, one that soobin doesn't quite understand. one he feels guilty for, even when he doesn't know why.

as he finally goes to sleep, beomgyu's hand tightly holding his own, he feels a mix of emotions settling in him.

( _be happy, soobin_ , he thinks he hears a familiar voice say. but again, he could just be making it up. he just needs sleep.)

("soobin," yeonjun whispered in soobin's ear, arms wrapped tightly around the taller's waist and chin nestled perfectly on his shoulder. "i love you."

soobin smiled and leaned against yeonjun, cheek pressing into the other's hair. "i love you too."

"happy birthday, binnie."

soobin replied with nothing but a kiss, the small cupcake long forgotten on the table.

his hands were full of yeonjun, of his tender skin and his overflowing love, and his heart was filled with happiness and joy.

this is the only thing he will ever ask for, in any life, he had thought as he dived forward for another deep kiss.)

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

"hey, choi soobin, right?"

soobin is at the supermarket near his office, a long day of work's exhaustion weighing on his shoulders as he picks out groceries for dinner. it's one of those sudden days where he feels like cooking.

he frowns in confusion at the sound and at the unfamiliar face, and awkwardly smiles to cover it up. "sorry?"

"it's okay, i know you don't know me. but i'm woojin," a pause. "i worked with yeonjun."

soobin takes a sharp breath in, the familiar pain settling in him again. it's tiring, to keep feeling hurt when he hears his name. he just wants a day where he will not be in pain when he thinks of yeonjun.

"i was his co-pilot for a few months before getting my own ship," woojin says. "i heard what happened to him."

soobin manages a weak smile, but all he wants to do is run back home and away. "nice to meet you, woojin." he manages to say. knows it's out of place.

woojin returns the courtesy back with a smile. "it was unexpected, because yeonjun was the best pilot i've ever seen. no one could believe it when we heard the news." soobin just wants to go _home_ , why does he have to go through this? "i'm really, really sorry for your loss, soobin. i couldn't attend the funeral as i was in another delivery. i just came to know about it days later."

soobin doesn't even maintain his smile anymore, only gripping onto his cart tightly. the smooth metal feels like it's breaking through his skin.

it has been five months, and he still does not know the proper answer to respond with.

maybe woojin senses the hesitation hanging over soobin, because he moves a step back. "it's nice to meet you, soobin. maybe we can meet again? here's my number." woojin hands a card, which soobin takes wordlessly.

"goodbye, soobin. take care."

he cannot do this anymore.

soobin stands frozen, watching blankly as woojin leaves the spot. the hand gripping onto the trolley is now sweaty, slipping further and further. everything feels suffocating, constricting, and he just wants to _run_.

he doesn't know why it is happening. there is no reason, but he falls into the dark pit anyway, helpless like he always is.

his hands slip from the tight grip on the trolley. he feels his body collapse against the aisle, his entire body light and flailing about weakly as he attempts to stand up again. maybe someone gives him a weird look, or maybe it's two people, but he doesn't care.

he hurriedly takes his phone out and with shaky hands dials the first number that comes to his mind. that's what she told him to do, his therapist: to call someone whenever he feels like he cannot breathe, when no one is around him.

 _don't do this,_ a voice repeats in his mind. _don't be a damn burden for everyone._

" _h_ _yung?_ "

"k-kai," he breathes out. "can you— pick me up?"

" _hyung, what— okay, i'm on my way out. where are you?_ "

"the— the," he licks his lips, blinking rapidly and desperately fighting against the darkness closing in on him again. he tries to remember where he is, but his mind is clouded. _please, not now. just stay calm, for a little bit_."supermarket— office."

" _i'll be there soon, hyung. listen to me and breathe, okay? in and out, you know how. you've done it before. in and out, you can do it, soobin._ " hueningkai's voice feels far away, and it _is_ far away, but somehow it's also grounding him. " _i'll be there. please, just try and focus on your breathing, okay? i'm already out of the house, i'm coming there._ "

his heartbeat echoes loudly inside his ears, like it's beating through his entire body. everything feels loud, bright, and he just wants to _run_. run away from it all.

"pl-please, kai," soobin says in between jagged breaths. "i-i can't— sorry—"

there is someone crouched before him, and it takes a few slow blinks to make out that it's woojin. soobin's phone is still cradled in his hand, pressed firm against his ear, and hueningkai is still speaking, but he isn't listening.

he just thinks how pathetic he must look right now.

he tries to curl into himself, hide from woojin's concerned sight, from the whole world if he could. but there is only so much muscle he can pull close, and he feels his arm hurting from pressing against his knees tightly.

woojin is saying something, but soobin cannot register it. just feels the other's careful touch on his hand, slowly moving to his shoulder, the timbre of his deep voice flowing very weakly into his ears.

 _it's okay_.

_you're safe._

_you're fine_.

everything is a lie.

slowly, very slowly, the clouds and the fog clears up. his clothes are clinging to his skin from the sweat. he's still there, leaning on an aisle of the supermarket, every pair of eyes in the store on him and him alone. it feels like an eternity had passed.

"— you're okay, soobin. your friend is here. see?" it's woojin's voice again, and he finally dares to look up.

hueningkai is towering over him, unshed tears clinging to his eyelashes. "hyung," he croaks out, crouching down beside soobin.

he feels his skin itch from the sweat and scratches over and over. he feels ashamed; wants to disappear forever. "i'm— sorry, hyuka, i'm— i was just-just going to—"

his face is immediately buried in hueningkai's chest, slow but firm, the tremors and rapid heartbeat of the other's now booming in his ears.

"it's okay," he hears the younger's muffled voice. "you're fine. i'm here now, okay? you'll be fine."

 _lies_ , a small voice echoes in the back of his head. he's too tired to stop it, so he lets it flood his thoughts instead.

woojin's card is forgotten on the floor as soobin find himself walking out the store and into the car. he doesn't remember the ride back home or hueningkai's endless string of reassurances. his breaths are still ragged and hitched, the remnants of the panic lingering and weighing on his entire being. he's thankful that the younger doesn't ask any questions.

"i'm sorry, huening-ah," soobin says, long after they reach home and settle on his bed. he's sitting cross-legged on the bed, while hueningkai takes his place on the chair near the work desk.

soobin just feels _tired_ , just wanting to gladly slip out of consciousness. maybe it's the exhaustion from what happened, or maybe he just wants to say it: he feels vulnerable as a darker part of his heart spills out with the words.

"hyung?" hueningkai calls, breaking his chain of thoughts.

"i'm sorry that you have to see me like this."

hueningkai opens his mouth to respond, but soobin continues. "i know that i'm not really an easy person to take care of. i'm— i haven't been taking care of myself, i'm just so… i'm so _pathetic_ . i'm a mess. i've— i've been nothing but a burden to you; to _everyone_. i'm—"

"stop," hueningkai says, exasperated. "you're not a burden to me, or anyone else. don't think that way, _ever_."

soobin simply stares at him, guilt clawing from within.

"i'm here, with you, because i _care_ about you. i just—" maybe there are tears in his eyes; soobin couldn't really tell when his own head felt light, like it's floating in water. "i want you to be okay, hyung. just that."

they stay in heavy silence for a long moment, each filled with a million thoughts. the puddle in soobin's mind seems to have gone quiet, but it's still _there_ , ready to rear its ugly head.

"you should get some sleep, hyung." he hears hueningkai say, and simply nods.

he succumbs to the darkness clinging at the corners of his sight, helpless as ever. like he has always been.

("yes, choi soobin here."

" _hello, mr. soobin, we're calling from BH Services. you have been listed as the primary emergency contact of pilot daniel choi._ "

soobin gulped. something didn't sit right in him; felt like a blob of virus clawing at his stomach, churning it nervously.

he taps at the hologram plate nervously, turning it on to see yeonjun's face glowing in the air. "yes? is there any—"

" _it isn't… good news, sir_ ." soobin clutched the plate tightly. " _we have called to inform you that the ship_ star voyage 913 _had encountered an accident on its way back from_ cluster 30 _on june 15_ . _there were 4 crew members in the ship, and one of them was daniel choi._ "

soobin felt the world around him crumble to dust.

" _there were no survivors. we're deeply sorry for your loss, sir._ "

the world stopped spinning right as his phone slipped out of his hand, crashing to the ground. just like him.

yeonjun's face was still glowing, even as everything went dark.)

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

soobin clutches the black drive tightly in his hand, seeing the way his hand is shaking lightly.

it's another weekend. another weekend to get by.

it has been a week since the incident happened, and he doesn't know if he would call himself as 'better.' he doesn't know if he would ever be 'better', but he knows he's trying.

and this is the first step to that. to try. to be better.

with a deep breath, blocking away all thoughts, he plugs it into the computer. it's now or never. soobin watches with bated breath as the screen loads, loads, and loads. he's about to pull the drive back and keep it inside, until it stops loading.

everything seems to stop when he sees yeonjun's face on the screen. the yeonjun of four years ago, with raven black hair and a bit more cheek fat, holding the same glint of genuine happiness in his eyes. soobin is transfixed on the way the lights of the ship reflect in yeonjun's eyes.

" _log 1, july 23, 22414. pilot daniel choi— honestly, why did i use my english name? should've just went with yeonjun, it's much more comfortable._ " on-screen yeonjun laughs, head turned to his right— his co-pilot, most probably. " _anyways. today is my first day! the management did tell me to not waste these drives, but i'm driving their stuff for them, and i'm the best they have, so it's okay. i'll keep these as memories to look back at when i retire._

" _taehyun wished me all the best today! so taehyun, if you ever get to see this— thank you dude, really needed that encouragement today—_ " another voice interrupts his monologue, to which his face changes to a much more serious one. " _okay, gotta start. here's to the first day of work!"_

the screen stays black, loading the next video. soobin feels his chest constricting with the lack of air and takes a deep breath in.

" _log 2, or the continuation of 1, july 24, 22414. pilot daniel choi from cluster 32._

 _"the first flight was fucking insane! i've only ever driven till the ships stationed at horizon as training and been in the crew with other pilots driving, but this is the first time i'm driving by myself and_ god _, i love it so much!_ "

soobin unconsciously smiles at the excited face of on-screen yeonjun.

he almost, almost reaches out.

" _this is sappy, and literally the only time i'll ever say this but i think i'm going to love this job. i've always wanted to drive out to space, beyond the horizon, and now i'm actually doing it. i love it so much. i think i'm gonna work here for long._

 _star voyage 913, let's be together for a long time._ "

he plugs another drive as soon as the first one gets over.

he doesn't notice hueningkai standing at the edge of the door, watching over quietly as soobin stares at the screen.

a small smile tugs at his lips.

maybe soobin is finally moving on.

at the end of the day, all hueningkai wants is for soobin to be happy once again. to be the hyung he dearly remembered from his school days.

sighing in content, he turns around and leaves the room.

_i'll keep my word, yeonjun hyung. as long as i can, i will._

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

("soobin,"

"hm?"

"promise me something?"

soobin sat up, moving over to sit on the edge of the bed. yeonjun was sitting on the floor, the route map projected wide before his legs. it was another day of him studying different routes to clusters and planets to find a best and shortest route, and another day of soobin contently staring at yeonjun.

"i'll promise you anything," soobin said with a smile, and there is nothing but honesty in his words.

"i…" yeonjun sighed. soobin didn't understand why, but he didn't want to ask either. yeonjun would tell him when he wants to. "promise me you'll be happy? even… without me?"

soobin's smile dropped from his face. "yeonjun?"

"i-i mean… it's nothing, leave it. i'm just rambling, don't—"

"yeonjun," soobin cupped the elder's face, making him turn. "please, tell me. did anything happen?"

yeonjun took a long look, right into soobin's eyes. the dejected sigh that left him was so heavy with emotions that even soobin felt it inside him.

"no, it's just… one of my old crew members got into an… accident? and she didn't survive." he licked his lips, eyes wavering. "i knew her ever since i joined here. and i'm just… scared? i don't know, soobin."

soobin waited patiently, like he always did. like he always vowed to.

"i'm just scared that i'll end up like… that. in an accident. ripped away from you." he takes a deep breath. soobin's hand moves immediately to yeonjun's arm, giving it a tight grip and grounding him. "she was just going to _visconsia_. it was supposed to be a simple delivery, just 1500 units. but… her ship crashed into one of the abandoned rovers."

soobin gasped quietly. he had heard of ship crashes— he does work in the same place as yeonjun, afterall, just a different department— and how there have been no survivors. he couldn't understand the magnitude of it, he never will, but he knows that it hurts to lose someone like that.

"i'm j-just—" yeonjun wiped his eyes, and that's when soobin noticed the unshed tears. "i'm worried if the same will happen to me, bin. if i'll end up like… her. dead. away from you. and i want you to be happy, even without me."

"oh, hyung," soobin wrapped his arms around the elder. almost immediately, soobin could feel the tension escaping from the other's body, relaxing into the hug; salty tears soaking his shirt. "you don't have to think about that, yeonjun. what happened was unfortunate, and it shouldn't ever happen, but you don't have to think it'll happen to you."

yeonjun finally looked up at soobin. "but what if it _does?_ "

soobin stared at yeonjun's heavy gaze. "if it happens," he breathed out, a thumb on yeonjun's cheek, wiping a stray tear away. "i'll remember you. forever."

"soobin,"

"i'll also keep your promise."

yeonjun looks up at him. it pains soobin to even have to word this out; they know very well that they'd move worlds for each other.

"i'll try to be happy, even without you.")

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

  
  


hueningkai spots soobin's fond smile as he rambles on and on about taehyun's confession, his own smile wider than a saucer.

"seriously, do you _know_ how cool he was? we were at the cliff, staring down at the projections when he just held my hand and pulled me closer and said 'will you go out with me?'. and he looked so cool when he said it too! the heart cluster just formed right then, it was _super_ romantic and—"

"take a breath, hyuka, you're gonna pass out." beomgyu adds from his place at the other single couch.

"he's so cute _and_ handsome at the same time, like how is that even possible!" he raises his arms in disbelief. "taehyun cannot be a real person. he's too good to be true."

soobin chuckles. "well, he is true and you are going on that first date… which you _still_ haven't chosen an outfit for."

sitting on a pile of clothes, hueningkai sighs in frustration. "but _what_ do i wear? i wanna look good!"

"uh, this can be a bit out of line, but taehyun literally _loves_ you. to bits. he'd be fine even if you wear no shirt— _ow_ , hyung! that hurts!"

"shut up, gyu! he's still a baby!"

hueningkai laughs as he watches the two of them bicker. it feels good to see his soobin hyung smile and laugh; maybe not like he used to, but this counts too. anything other than the constant sadness soobin was stuck in counts.

he would do anything to make it all return back to normal, to how it was five months ago, if it means soobin will keep smiling.

"ah, i'm gonna miss new years with you, aren't i?" soobin says with a pout. "it's gonna be the first time, my baby."

even if there is almost a month till new year, he can still feel the dejection creeping up in him.

it was tradition for the two of them to spend new years together, ever since soobin had practically adopted the twelve-year old kid next door as his younger brother. 

hueningkai had only ever known soobin's love in his life; has only ever seen soobin smiling fondly towards him that anything else felt weird and out of place.

he still remembers the day he got the call; still remembers the way he ran out of the university library, practically running into an air taxi and screaming at the top of his voice to reach soobin sooner.

sometimes he thinks that maybe, when soobin's world crumbled— when he saw his ever loving soobin hyung unmoving and _broken_ , when he heard what happened, when a person he had grown attached to was suddenly no more—

his world stopped too.

("he slept?" hueningkai snickered behind his glass of cold beverage, eyes fixed on soobin, who is sleeping on yeonjun's shoulder. "ah, such a lightweight."

"you don't even drink," yeonjun stated.

"yeah, but that's different. i'm sure i can handle more than he does."

both of them froze when soobin grunted loudly, shifting enough that his entire body was pressed against yeonjun, safe enough to not slip anywhere from the couch.

"hey, huening," it's still awkward for the younger to hear that name; everyone he knew either called him by his full name or just hyuka. "tell me about soobin."

hueningkai looks at yeonjun with a pretend-confused face. "what's the matter?"

"just… wanna know him, i guess. you've practically grown up with him," yeonjun says, smiling a little as he pressed his face closer to soobin. "you'd know much more than i do."

hueningkai sits on the question for quite a while, trying to rack his brain to find an answer. he has never really _thought_ about soobin: the elder boy was just… there. with him. from the time hueningkai was twelve years old and sitting alone on the park bench, too shy to ask to join the kids and missing home a bit too much.

soobin has always been there, and hueningkai had never thought of him in any way. soobin was as natural as breathing to him.

"he hates mint chocolate ice cream," he mentions after long moments of pondering, only to hear a soft chuckle from the eldest. "seriously, i don't get how we're friends with _that_ between us."

"well, people do say opposites attract."

hueningkai finds a smile forming on his lips. "maybe."

a comfortable silence hung over them, yeonjun still nursing his tin can of alcohol and hueningkai fiddling with his mobile.

"he's a nice person," yeonjun spoke after a long beat of silence. "he makes me want to be better."

"soobin does that to a lot of people, i've heard."

"maybe. i don't know, he has a really calming presence. he makes me think everything will be okay, no matter what happens."

hueningkai kept his eyes on the fond smile yeonjun had, and something clicked in his mind.

"you really love him, don't you?"

he could spot how yeonjun's face was flushed red under the dim light of the hologram screen.

"yeah," yeonjun breathed out, like it is a truth he has been holding back for so long. finally free.

"i'm glad he has you, hyung." hueningkai spoke out loud.

yeonjun's smile only grew wider as he pressed a kiss on soobin's crown. "and i'm glad he has a good friend like you."

"of course, i'm the best friend one can ever have!"

yeonjun chuckled, nodding along. "but seriously, i'm just glad he has someone to lean on, too." the elder said. "and i'm glad it's you. i can trust that someone will always be there for him, even when i'm not."

the younger chuckled, but it wasn't exactly happy. "you sound like you're gonna, like, go away or something."

yeonjun shook his head with a tight smile. "i won't. and i need your word that you won't either."

at that time, it was an easy promise to make without any deeper thought, because isn't it a given? it has always been hueningkai and soobin, and he was sure that it will always be.)

"hyuka?"

the said boy blinks out of his trance, looking around. he's still on the floor sitting in the middle of a pile of clothes, soobin is still looking at him with the fondest smile, and beomgyu is still giggling behind his hand.

 _i'm trying, hyung_ , he thinks in the back of his mind. _i'll keep my word. even if it's the last thing i'll do_.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

" _log 8, september 24, 22415, pilot daniel choi from starra valley._

_i finally spent my birthday at home! it's kinda sad that i've missed my own birthday for two years straight, though once was just because i was too lazy to go back home. maybe that's why it felt weird to get all the surprises?_

_what am i rambling? anyways! it felt really nice to spend my birthday with the people i love. and maybe… soobin too… ah, what is it with me? why am i so shy about this?_

_on that note, i got new drive from him as a gift! we've only met for two months, but god do i like him a lot. drives are pretty costly, but he still bought it for me… maybe i love him. *giggle* he even drew on it… he's so cute, oh my god._

_this log is just me getting emotional, isn't it? i'm a sappy person, let me be. being at starra valley makes me emotional… this is such a breathtaking place. maybe i'll bring soobin here one day. if we get together. when we get together. i hope that day comes."_

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

woojin was the last person soobin expected to see at the office.

it is a late thursday morning, and soobin is just getting the files to the approval plug himself when he finds woojin at a corner of the hall, fiddling with his wristband.

he is contemplating whether to greet woojin or not (considering what happened almost two weeks ago) when woojin spots him and waves widely.

soobin waves back out of courtesy, feeling embarrassment and guilt rise from his stomach.

"h-hey," he manages to say. "what are you doing here?"

"ah, that," woojin says and scratches his neck awkwardly. "i'm resigning."

soobin doesn't realize that his entire face has morphed into an expression of shock. and maybe, a bit of guilt too.

_is it because of what happened to yeonjun? is it because you saw me that day?_

_is it because i looked pathetic like that?_

"d-don't take me wrong, please," woojin puts his hands out hurriedly. "it isn't because of… what happened. well, it is, but that isn't the only reason."

soobin tilts his head in confusion.

"i-i mean! my boyfriend has been wanting me to resign for a while now… this work is dangerous, yeah, but it's also tiring. i haven't spent a proper day at home for weeks on end, and that really took a toll on us. i've been wanting to resign for months."

soobin feels a funny sense of deja-vu wash over him.

"and… he— jihoon heard what happened and it put a strain on our relationship even more. and i think… i think i got scared, too. after yeonjun was gone."

he takes a sharp breath in, but it hurts less than he anticipated. when did that happen?

"i just— i wanted to spend more time with jihoonie. with my family and friends, _here_. that's why."

soobin lets out a breath he didn't know he held. it felt like a mixture of relief and contentment.

"it's good, woojin," he breathes out. clutches his tab a bit tighter. "that you want to spend more time with your loved ones. your decision is yours, and if you feel it's right, do it."

woojin nods, now wiping his hands on his pants. "a-anyways, i think you didn't get my card that day, so—" when woojin fumbles in his pocket for another card, soobin remember how he had left it on the floor. "— here it is! it has my number, so you can, yknow, call me whenever you want." there's an awkward pause, and woojin adds as an afterthought. "i can tell you some fun stories about yeonjun in college."

it makes soobin smile. "sure," he says and takes the card, pocketing it safely this time. "see you soon, woojin."

woojin only nods, smiling widely in reply.

after soobin finishes his work for the day and sits on his table, waiting to go home, his hands unconsciously go to the hologram plate. he switches it on to see yeonjun's glowing face.

"woojin is resigning today," he mutters under his breath. "at least he's happy about it."

he lets out a sigh and stands up.

it doesn't hurt that much, but it's still there, that phantom pain gnawing at his chest. a reminder of what he has lost.

but it's getting better.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

_41200_

_march 15, 22419_

_i love you_

soobin plugs the drive to the processor and looks up at the screen.

_please enter code to continue_

soobin frowns. _of course_ , of course yeonjun would put a code for the drive. a code soobin will never know.

_what would yeonjun keep as a code for a drive?_

soobin ponders for a while, staring at the blue drive pointedly, when an idea strikes him.

 _210722415_. the day they first met.

( "this party is boring, isn't it?"

soobin chuckled. "a little bit."

"wanna go out and have some actual fun?" the purple haired stranger asked.

"define actual fun."

"stargazing."

soobin found himself smiling wide as he nodded, hand in hand as the two of them left the party hall.)

_incorrect code. please try again._

he looks down at his lap with a dejected sigh, moving to pull the drive out, when he remembers something.

yeonjun's diary.

he had almost forgotten about it. yeonjun didn't write regularly, only when he really felt like writing about someone or something in secret. soobin hadn't seen it in almost six months, now buried under the untouched drawer.

"will it really be there, though?" he mutters to himself, not really expecting an answer.

the black hardcover feels new when soobin picks it up. they had agreed to not look into each other's diaries, no matter what happens. soobin feels a little guilty as he opens to a page in between, but the bigger part of him tells it doesn't matter, that yeonjun isn't _there_ to be mad at him.

(it hurts him a little more, that part of him.)

he opens to the first page.

> _30 nov, 22415_
> 
> _damn it's been two years since i did this. i haven't had much to say, but maybe keeping a note of whatever happened would be better. can't trust my memories all the time, huh?_
> 
> _aaaaanyways! i wanted to write because i wanted to talk about soobinie. i confessed today! it's been so long since i've felt like this, damn, when was the last time i was in a proper relationship? feels like it's been eons…_
> 
> _soobinie. he's such a… warm person. that's the only thing i can think of when i see him. home, fireplace, guitars and the feeling of a full heart. it always feels like the world is a better, happier place when i'm with him. i met him in july, 21st to be exact, in an office party... i think my heart knew. i had so much fun with him that day, so much that i never wanted it to end. but i knew a new day would come, a new day to see him again. and again. over and over._
> 
> _but yeah, i confessed today! and god his smile… i'd give anything to be the one to make him happy. he's such a sweet person, i just want to be able to keep him by my side forever. maybe one day, i will look through this age old notebook and know i loved soobin. or still do when i open it; i hope i still love him then. i would love to be with him._
> 
> _okay, maybe it's because i'm so jittery that i'm pouring all of this out, but i really do feel like he could be The One._
> 
> _i know a forever when i see it; i've been searching for it anyway._

soobin finds his hands shaking just a little, holding tightly onto the cover. breathing out, he skips through the pages to another entry. there aren't much, really, as soobin spots january, march, july and september while flipping through the notebook.

> _05 december, 22416_
> 
> _soobinie's birthday! he doesn't know because he closed his eyes, but i made a wish when he blowed on the candles too. i'll just write it down here since i really really wanna say it out loud._
> 
> _i wished to always be the person to make soobin happy. to never make him cry. i want for him to get all the love he deserves. i wished for us to be together, forever. my parents could have found different forevers from each other, but i want_ us _to be together till the end of time. that at our end, i'll be left with a smile, remembering soobin and all of what we were—_

soobin closes the notebook forcefully. there is a lump in his throat, one he doesn't quite know how to dissolve. _not today_ , he thinks to himself. _or ever_.

he takes the second notebook, shuffling through it. just one more, and he'll close it. he doesn't think he can do it any longer, either.

he's almost at the last page, not knowing when to stop when he spots a blank page, emptier than the rest. he pauses automatically at that page, opening it only to see a series of dots and lines.

it doesn't take a genius to realize that it's morse code. it was mandatory for them in highschool anyway, though soobin hated having to remember it all.

he's about to pass by it, probably putting it off till later, when he sees the date.

_15 march 22419_

_..-. --- .-. . ...- . .-. / .--. .-.. ..- ... / --- -. ._

he freezes completely, eyes hovering over the series of morse codes over and over.

was it really this easy to find it out?

he knows this is the code to the drive; nothing could be more obvious than yeonjun using old communication language. he was a fanatic of old things anyway.

yet, for some reason, soobin finds himself hesitating. was this right? is this it?

is this the final point? will everything be over when he opens this? will he inevitably forget yeonjun once he does? 

will their forever be over when he opens it?

soobin quietly closes the notebook.

"just a little more," he says to himself. "a little more."

 _of what_ , he doesn't know.

only one word echoes in his ears.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

"soobin! soob—"

beomgyu trails off to silence as he spots the projector screen on the wall, and yeonjun's face widely plastered on it, talking animatedly.

soobin is sitting on the chair faced towards the projection, head bent backwards painfully, a big plushie trapped in his arms. he realizes belatedly that it's hueningkai's treasured plushie. the video runs in the background. beomgyu spots the drive with a number '20' on it plugged to the computer.

beomgyu finds himself watching yeonjun speak in the log, a sudden longing gripping his heart. he remembers the funeral, the way he couldn't stop crying. they weren't particularly close, but yeonjun was someone special in his life; he knew him enough to miss him. he knows he'll always miss the elder and his warm, welcoming presence.

"he's sleeping, isn't he?"

beomgyu almost jumps at hueningkai's voice. "that scared me."

but hueningkai only sighs. "i'm worried, beomgyu."

"about?"

"soobin hyung," he lets out another deep sigh, but this time even beomgyu feels the heaviness of it. "he's been watching the drives, and i'm happy, i really am, but…"

beomgyu waits for the younger to continue, but all that he gets is another deep sigh.

"forget it, i'm just overthinking."

"what it it, kai?"

"i'm…" he takes a long look at soobin. "i'm worried if he's… he's doing it the wrong way. moving on."

beomgyu tilts his head in confusion.

"i-i mean… i'm just— i'm worried if he's forcing himself, okay? or if he's getting himself in too deep that he _won't_ move on. if he'll spiral too deep and— or—"

 _that the word i gave to yeonjun would be broken_.

"hyuka," beomgyu starts. "soobin will be fine. not soon, but he will, one day."

"how do you know that?" hueningkai asks, and this is the first time he feels weak.

"because we're there for him." beomgyu replies. "we'll always be there for him. we won't leave him."

( _"i won't, and i need your word that you won't, either."_ )

"that's what yeonjun told," hueningkai breathes out. "and where is he now?"

beomgyu stares at him in mute shock. it's clear that this isn't something he expected hearing _at all_ , let alone from hueningkai.

"that's why i'm scared, beomgyu," he continues. "if he'll leave, too. or if we'll leave him."

"hyuka, you're— you're thinking too much," beomgyu says as he reaches out to hold the other's shoulder, but only sees him flinch away. " _nothing_ is going to happen to us, to anyone."

"you don't _know!_ " he finally cries out, months of doubt and worry coming crashing down all at once. "t-that day, you should've _seen_ him that day! i-i thought it was gone for _good_ , his panic attacks, but— _but_ —!"

"kai, breathe."

he complies, taking in a sudden long gulp of air, almost choking on it. "i-it's back, it came back, because yeonjun is _not there_ anymore. i-i don't think it's possible for him to… to," another deep breath. it all feels like a wall just crumbled to dust. "i'm afraid he won't move on. that he'll be stuck like this, forever."

something flashes in beomgyu's eyes momentarily, but hueningkai is too exhausted by his outburst to take note of it.

"he isn't trying, he's _resigning_ to it. he isn't moving on, hyung. he's just— he's just going backwards."

"you're thinking too much, hyuka," beomgyu says after a long beat of silence. "he— we don't _know_ how he copes. everyone have different methods; there is no 'right way' to do this. this is soobin's. and his panic attacks might have come back, but that doesn't have to mean it's _bad_."

" _it is!_ "

"he didn't cry for yeonjun till _now_ , kai. he has never, has he?"

that's when it strikes the younger's mind.

sure, soobin had collapsed, went numb and unresponsive for months like a zombie, but never did he _cry_. he remembers begging for soobin to let it out and cry, just _cry it out_ , but the elder never did. he never really understood why, and never questioned it either.

"maybe," it's beomgyu who takes a deep, shaky breath now. "maybe it's all building up. it'll all come breaking down one day. it won't be good, it'll be _painful_ , but after that… he'll be fine."

hueningkai takes another look at a sleeping soobin, his heart filling with worry. "i just want him to be happy. like how he was before. that's why i'm here; that's why i'm trying."

"that isn't possible," beomgyu says as a matter of fact. "but he'll be fine. not the way he used to be, but he will."

hueningkai hopes and hopes that beomgyu is right.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

another day, another page. soobin's fingers graze over the handwritten page, a faint smile on his lips.

> _14 september, 22417_
> 
> _god i'm just. so happy. i'm blessed to have soobin in my life; maybe i did something good in my past life or something. isn't that what ancient people believed in? that the good of your past life will reflect in your present. used to think it was all made up lies to get everyone to worship god or something, i still don't, but it seems like a possibility. how else would i have got soobin? it should be the good from three or four of my past lives combined._
> 
> _why am i saying all this? because what, he made a cake for me? took me out to the cliff? kissed me under actual stars and not those projected on the ceiling or something? promised me a forever?_
> 
> _maybe it's all that. maybe it's more than that. i don't know._
> 
> _he's sleeping beside me right now, and i just… i love him. so much. god. it's so difficult to put down every bit of my feelings into words, but i think those words are enough._
> 
> _love you, love you._
> 
> _i love you, soobin._

"love you too, yeonjun." he whispers quietly, as if saying it out loud will make it go away from him.

he wants to keep it close to him forever. that is what they wanted anyway, a forever with each other.

and soobin will do everything he can to keep it that way. a forever with yeonjun, even if it's only memories.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

winter is a thing soobin never saw coming.

maybe it's because time stopped for him, or maybe he just never remembered the days that passed. everything seemed to be a blur anyway.

the only light in his dark world has been beomgyu, a fact the older is still getting used to. a part of him is a little bit happy that it is beomgyu, sweet, soft beomgyu who always puts others before himself. the other, more darker part of him worries whether he is coping by making beomgyu a rebound; whether he is using him only for momentary happiness.

it's only when hueningkai points at the snow that has settled on their window and smiles in joy, that soobin even realizes it's winter. not like it mattered; he has not seen the sun in a while, it doesn't make a difference.

(he doesn't think he ever will. it has been four months.)

"it's pretty!" he heard hueningkai say, joy dripping with every word of his.

soobin misses that feeling.

"it is," he says quietly, hands moving to the fogged window to wipe it down. the city is lightly coated with a layer of snow and glowing yellow with lights.

winter.

even though earth had changed, it somehow still snowed every winter. soobin had heard how it was a miracle, really, because humans had ruined earth to the last point. soobin doesn't know the exact details (it did happen thousands of years ago, after all), but he does know that humans realized their mistakes just a beat before they could have ruined every single thing irreversibly, just in time to survive a bit more.

soobin wraps his arms around himself, feeling the cold bite lightly into his skin. the warmth is not enough, really, but he thinks it's okay to stand and marvel at the white and gold city a little more.

"let's have breakfast, come on." hueningkai announces, dragging soobin to the table.

the empty spot in the table is glaring, and soobin tries to ignore it as much as he can. _it's a saturday_ , he realizes as he idly plays with the bowl of cereal. there is the mild song of a song playing from somewhere, a familiar song. his phone. yeonjun's favorite song.

saturdays have never been easy, and neither is this one.

"beomgyu hyung told he'll be stopping by here," he hears hueningkai say. it takes a while for him to process it and nod blankly.

"are you going out with taehyun today? it's a weekend, after all."

hueningkai smiles and shakes his head. "i told him i'll stay with you today."

soobin doesn't like it. "why?"

"what?"

"why are you staying with me?"

"i want to?"

"no," soobin breathes out. the frustration is at the tip of his tongue, coating the edges of his mouth, waiting to spill out. "you're pitying me."

hueningkai blanches for a moment. "wha—?"

"you're thinking i'll just mope around and be sad all day. because i'll miss him. because i'm… pathetic." he takes a deep breath, suppressing as much as he could. "you don't have to do that anymore; i can take care of myself. you don't _have_ to stay _for me_ anymore."

it's dangerous, his words, and he knows he's hurting hueningkai by saying all this. hurting himself, too, maybe.

but when he looks back at a week ago, curled up on the floor at the supermarket and lungs knocked out of breath and vision darkening in panic (and longing), all that he can think about is how _pathetic_ he is. how he's holding everyone back, how he's constantly told to move on when he _can't_.

and when he realized he can't, that he might never be able to, the only better decision was to let the others move on from him; from his pitiful, helpless, broken self.

the wood is breaking, but he drives the nail through anyway. "i don't _need_ anyone to babysit me like i'm a ticking time bomb. just go live your life."

and maybe this is the way.

 _move on,_ he prays. _from me_.

soobin ignores the almost physical ache in his heart as he stares at the younger sternly.

hueningkai seems speechless, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. the dread at the pit of soobin's stomach keeps growing.

_he's going to leave, he's going to leave._

"h-how…" the younger trails off. "how did you even think that?"

"i heard you that day," soobin says quietly. "talking to beomgyu."

maybe it falls into place, maybe it doesn't. soobin doesn't know, his sight pinned to the table.

"i'm not moving on, kai. i'm only gonna be like this. you _can't_ do anything to make me happy. i'm _not_ going to be the choi soobin you knew, ever." he grits his teeth against the feelings bubbling up in his throat, threatening to spill out. "so just go. you don't have to stay here anymore out of some… some obligation or something—"

"enough," hueningkai grits through his teeth. "i'm—"

the spoon clatters loudly to the floor, breaking the thick silence. soobin watches as the younger fumbles in his frustrated confusion, getting up with a loud stomp of his feet.

"y-you think i'm staying here out of _obligation_ , that's—" and hueningkai laughs, but it isn't happy. it breaks soobin's heart, knowing he caused this.

"soobin, remember when we first met? at the playground?"

soobin doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything either, but he remembers.

"i was just sitting there, and you came to me and asked me if i wanted to play. you fought for me when jinyoung pushed me during the game. you got me lunch whenever i forgot mine at home." his voice is breaking, and soobin doesn't want to be there anymore.

_stupid, stupid, stupid._

_you caused this._

_you did this._

" _you_ took care of me, hyung, whenever i felt down. you always did." hueningkai continues, voice thick and watery. soobin feels like he's about to drown. "but _why_ would you think me being with you is just out of… out of _obligation_ ? why do you not think it's because i _want_ to take care of you?"

it's loud, the thoughts filling his mind. overwhelmingly loud.

" _that's the obligation_!" soobin screeches, pushing the bowl before him. it falls to the floor and breaks to pieces. "you're doing it _just_ because i did all that! i don't want it; i don't want your _pity!_ "

"it's because you're my _friend!_ " hueningkai yells right back. "i would do this for _anyone_ , why don't you get that? if it were beomgyu or taehyun or even _yeonjun_ here, i'd do the exact same thing, because i _care!_ "

soobin spots the stream of tears falling down the younger's face, and wants so badly to wipe them away like he always did. his hands almost, almost reach out— but they never do.

"you think i'm doing this as some sort of… repayment, but no, i'm doing this because you're my friend." hueningkai finishes, hands trembling. "but i don't think you think that anymore."

soobin wants to disappear forever.

"i-i'm— i'm just gonna," he takes a deep breath. "— leave."

the wood breaks, the glass cracks.

soobin's heart breaks once again.

he watches mutely as the younger simply slips into his shoes and steps out, shutting the door behind him loudly. the sound alone manages to send a shiver down his spine, the bubbling sensation in his stomach now rising to his throat.

he falls to the floor, and maybe his hand falls on one of the cracked ceramic pieces of the bowl because it's bleeding, but he feels too numb to notice that.

this is what he wanted, right?

… right?

he feels his throat close up, lungs squeezing out whatever air that was left in there, but he doesn't even try to breathe until it feels like death. he thinks it could be better than what he's in right now.

his hands automatically try to reach for his phone, but it isn't in his pocket, it isn't anywhere near him, _it isn't here it isn't here heisn'there heisn'there_ —

every breath feels like a knife sliding down his throat, painful and cutting the sides, leaving it stinging and bleeding.

he cannot breathe.

he sees his palm bleeding, crimson red dripping onto the white floor, drop by drop. there is no pain, at least no pain bigger than the one that throbs against his chest painfully.

"h-hyung," he says unconsciously, a last ditch attempt at calming himself down. it's pointless, he knows it very well, because the one other person who would help him through this _isn't_ there anymore.

yeonjun is the reason soobin is like this now

and yet, the only person his mind goes to is him.

he doesn't really know when it all gets too overwhelming for him to black out, but he does know that someone is there with him as the world turns dark.

(soobin dreams.

he dreams of a dark, moonlit sky scattered with stars. he dreams of a cool breeze grazing his skin ever so softly. he dreams of the sea, of the waves washing his feet.

he dreams of a smile that lights up the dark night. of a name that he loved.

he dreams of yeonjun, and everything about him.

"soobin,"

there it is: his perfect world, sitting right before him. the entire galaxy caught in his eyes, sparkling so brightly that soobin feels blinded.

"stay here," he breathes out, fear gripping his heart. "don't go."

he leans into the soft touch, eyes closed in content. this is it; this is all he's ever going to ask for.

"i'm here. always."

as he feels a soft kiss upon his lips, he feels everything around him fade into nothing, leaving just them; just yeonjun and soobin. soobin and yeonjun.

"forever."

but worlds crash.

waves crash against the shore, against his bare legs, soaking the hems of his pants. soobin runs after, chasing the only warmth he yearns for.

"i'll always be here, soobin. in your heart" yeonjun says, a hand pressed against soobin's chest. his heart. "and you'll always be in mine."

soobin tries to reach out, but everything only moves away, away, away from him.

"love you, bunny."

"wait, no—!"

"keep my promise, hm?" and he smiles; _smiles_ , and soobin doesn't feel happy. "it's okay, soobin. you can move on."

"no— stop! don't go!" soobin runs, the water splashing against his feet. " _you said you won't go!_ "

"i'm not," yeonjun says. soobin trips over the wet sand and crashes painfully to the ground. "it's _you_ who has to leave me and go."

the waves take over, washes all over him, and soobin drowns. he falls, falls and falls.

" _goodbye, my forever._ ")

**_+彡+_ **

( _"forever?"_

_a kiss. two hearts merging to become one._

_the stars fixed in place. two hands tightly held together._

_"forever."_

_it was an easy promise._ )

**_+彡+_ **

soobin wakes up at midnight to christmas.

or at least, that's what he clearly remembers.

the past few days are just a blur of movements and words, blended together so much that soobin cannot separate day and night, real world and dreams.

everything is the same grey anyway.

"look," he hears beomgyu whisper, as quiet as the night but enough for soobin to hear it. "it's snowing."

soobin directs his eyes to where beomgyu is pointing, outside the window. it is snowing, but soobin feels nothing. what was he supposed to say?

"it's okay," beomgyu continues. "you can just watch."

soobin complies, settling for simply staring at the snow cascading outside, falling onto the ground.

 _yeonjun would love this_ , is the first thing that comes to his mind, and his heart constricts.

they would have been holding each other under the blankets, each others' mere warmth enough for them as the sky poured down white, frozen droplets. a kiss on the forehead, on the cheek, neck and finally on the lips, they would have snuggled closer to each other. maybe missed work that day.

soobin hugs himself a bit tighter.

"w-when did you…?" soobin asks, more out of curiosity than anything. he doesn't finish; beomgyu would know what he's asking.

"saturday, hyung. i've been here since then."

soobin looks at the digital calendar on the wall. it blinks a _wednesday_ back at him.

soobin feels guilty. "i'm sorry."

beomgyu only smiles, moving so that he could sit before soobin. his smile is sad, almost heartbreaking, and soobin feels it within himself.

"hyung," he starts, holding soobin's hand. that's when he even notices the bandage wrapped around his palm. "i love you."

it's sudden, like a wave crashing against rocks. a wave that doesn't recede. soobin doesn't expect it, and he looks up with the same expression of shock.

"i love you, hyung. i don't know if it can be as much as yeonjun hyung did, but i do." he says. soobin feels a strange feeling clawing up his throat. 

maybe beomgyu sees the elder's dilemma, that he adds: "you don't have to say an answer right now. i just wanted to tell you; in case i come to regret it one day." he holds soobin's hands carefully, like it's fragile glass, about to break any time soon. "i just want you to know that there is someone who loves you, just like how yeonjun hyung did, even though it cannot be the same."

it hangs in the air, weighing down heavily on them. soobin feels a mix of everything in his heart, swelling until he couldn't take it anymore. he breathes out, slowly, hoping to figure everything that's happening inside his heart.

( _"be happy, even without me."_ )

"i'm not ready," he whispers, to both beomgyu and the familiar voice in his head. "i'm not ready."

 _it's for the better_ , he tells himself as he watches beomgyu visibly deflate.

"it's okay, hyung," beomgyu says, but soobin knows it's the exact opposite.

they spend the night staring at the snowing city, soobin from his bed and beomgyu from the bean bag placed right before the window. at one point, the younger falls asleep, curled up on the bean bag as much as possible.

soobin reaches out to the side table, the blue drive giving him a sense of warmth. he still feels empty, empty, _so_ empty inside him, but this covers it up, at least a little.

he stares at the drive, illuminated under the neon lights of the city seeping through the windows, and then at beomgyu.

maybe this is it. maybe this is what he should do.

he takes a deep breath. it feels like finality in a lot of ways; a full stop to a sentence. the final chapter of the book.

he moves quietly to get his laptop and earphones, careful not to wake beomgyu up. he doesn't know what is pushing him to do this right now; the morning will always come, he could watch it on the computer, with no one around. yet, he feels like it's now or never. either he chooses to watch it now, or never know what is in it.

_please enter code to continue_

soobin stares at the screen blankly. _right_. he shuffles out of the bed again to get yeonjun's notebook, hands automatically moving to the page needed.

he types the dots and dashes on the keyboard, a mixture of emotions and thoughts building up inside him. only one thing echoes in his mind.

_this is it._

_this is it._

_this is the end._

he inhales deeply, trying to push the thoughts to the corners of his mind.

he finishes typing the series of codes and waits with bated breath. the dashes and dots on the screen morph and form into letters.

_'forever plus one'_

soobin gasps.

 _access granted_.

the black screen loads, and he feels his heartbeat thrum loudly in his ears. _this is it_.

the screen fades out of black, and he sees yeonjun's face right in front of him, neon yellow hair a starking contrast against the darker interior of the ship. he couldn't stop his hand from reaching out to the screen.

" _is it recording— okay, it is, good._

_soobin… oh god, this is awkward to do by myself._

_you would've felt weirded out that i'm giving you the drive that you gifted me as a gift, and even more when you couldn't open it. trust me, making this feels as weird to me. we're both weird, let's conclude at that. you wouldn't be seeing this without me opening it for you, so it's all good, right?_

_anyways, the reason i'm making this video. it's christmas, isn't it? almost three weeks after your birthday. i would've given you the necklace, or it would've reached you. i could be busy with work then, but i made sure to be with you by christmas._

_why, you may ask. and… this is the reason._ "

soobin feels his hands shake. _you aren't here. you aren't with me._

" _soobin. choi soobin. my forever._

_you know i've always chased after forever, be it scientific or fantasical. forever has always fascinated me, because you just don't know when it ends. forever is within reach, yet so far away. there, but isn't there._

_i don't have to chase after a forever anymore, because i found it. soobin,_ you're _my forever._

_i realize, right now, staring at the infinite clusters of galaxies before me, that you are the forever i've been chasing after. my forever isn't time, or a place or anyone else. it's you. it took me three years, but i know now. i think i always did; just wasn't ready enough to admit it._

_soobin, i made this on a complete whim. that's why it looks odd, so unlike me. i always know what to say, but now… i don't. i see so many stars, yet you're the only person in my mind. i can see billions more of galaxies in your eyes._

_and… this video is completely spontaneous, maybe out of place and so, so awkward, but i just want to say this: i love you. i loved you, i love you, and i will continue to love you till forever. forever, and one more day. forever plus one; that's what the morse code says. you know how much i love traditional codes, and this just seemed perfect. we're as simple as dots and dashes, and yet contain meaning that no one can recognize but us._

_i'll get to the point, it has been too much of me waxing poetry about forevers. i'm sure you get the point._

_will you marry me? i want to make a new forever, with you by my side._ "

soobin doesn't know if he's looking at the screen anymore; everything seems to be shaking. it takes him a long minute to realize that it's _him_ who's shaking, shoulders uncontrollable and eyes blurred with unshed— or shedding tears.

it feels a lot like the first time his world crashed.

" _... that was a bit abrupt, wasn't it? but don't worry, i'll be by your side, maybe with a better scripted confession, but i also want to show this. my unscripted, real side. i'm sitting tens and thousands of light years away from you, staring at the stars and galaxies, but i'm thinking of you. i can only think of you. this vast and wide as the universe before me; this only reminds me of you. and how i want to spend the years, decades, centuries, millenials with you. i want to find you in every life of ours, and spend it all with you. because you are my forever, soobin._

_i'm sitting before this recorder, all alone. actually, not alone, but the rest of the crew are asleep. and i know this moment will not come again; not being alone, but feeling all this. and i just wanted to do it now._

_marry me, soobin. be my forever._

_love you, my bunny._ "

soobin watches as the screen turns black abruptly.

he doesn't _know_ anymore, doesn't think as he shakily reaches out for the drive and curls his palm around it. everything before him is just _yeonjun_ : from the blue drive to the untouched desk, the corner of the room, his mobile, his mind his _heart_ —

("i'm leaving, binnie."

silence.

"hey, i'll come back soon. just ten days, alright?"

soobin didn't reply. he pulled the blankets closer, trying to fill the missing warmth.

yeonjun sighed as he kneeled before soobin, a hand on his face. "babe, i'm _sorry_ . if i can, i'd skip this too. but i _promise_ i'll come back, hm? pinky promise and cross my heart, all that."

soobin nodded wordlessly. "goodbye, yeonjun."

he shut his eyes tighter and pulled the blanket even closer. he had to get used to this for ten more days.

he could hear yeonjun's resigned sigh, and felt bad that he was the reason for it. but he isn't wrong to be mad, is he?

he felt a kiss on his lips, a lopsided and not exactly perfect, but it managed to loosen all the lines of frown on the younger's face.

"love you, my bunny.")

"hyung!" he hears beomgyu yell, but doesn't reply; _cannot_ reply. all he sees is yeonjun, yeonjun, _yeonjun_.

(a smile that betrays him. breaks him.)

he feels hot tears streaming down his face, feels his entire body shake uncontrollably with each breath he tries to take in.

"hyung, soobin hyung, what happened?"

_lies._

_liar._

"you lied," he says, throat suddenly filled with words waiting to be spilled out. "you said you'd be _here_ ; you said you'd come back!"

he grabs the laptop in a fit of rage and flings it across the room, hearing the deafening crack of it breaking to pieces.

"soobin!"

"he _lied!_ " he screams back. he feels like something is tearing him apart at the seams, bit by bit, a painful ordeal of _knowing_. "he said he'd be here, he'd come back! he promised me!"

he doesn't know when he stood up, but feels beomgyu's much smaller figure holding him tightly.

"hyung, please, just _listen_ to me!"

" _why?!_ "

"because he wouldn't want you to be like this!" beomgyu yells back.

for one long moment, it's just the two of them, heavy breaths leaving their chest and resonating in the air. soobin could feel it in his bones, a mute anger filling up. misdirected frustration that he should have let out long back.

and then soobin laughs; _laughs_ with tears still falling across his cheeks. "he isn't _here_ to say that, beomgyu. you wouldn't know."

beomgyu's eyes waver in shock; when did it turn like this?

"wha— hyung, please, i don't know what happened for you to be like this, _please_ tell me what happened."

soobin wishes he knew what happened, too.

"i wish i knew, beomgyu," he sighs, feeling every bit of his energy leave his body. "i wish i knew what happened to our forever."

there's only silence as soobin lets himself fall to the floor, the drive still clenched tightly in his palm.

all he hears is a broken promise.

he feels beomgyu's arms wrap around him, the younger's head resting on his shaking shoulder as he lets it all out.

_one last time._

_just one last time_.

he tries to breathe, he really does, but everything hits him again with full force: yeonjun isn't here. he's never going to come back.

hueningkai isn't here, and he did that.

all he does is ruin his world anyway.

"hyung, it isn't your fault," beomgyu says. soobin doesn't miss the waver in his voice. "you couldn't know. you couldn't have done anything."

" _no!_ " he yells, voice breaking. "you— you don't _know_ what it's like, beomgyu. you'll never know!"

"then help me know," beomgyu says, his hands now holding soobin's face. "let me— let us help you, too. we'll be _alright_ , hyung. you can be happy."

( _"_ _be happy, even without me."_ )

"i _can't_ ," he breathes out. the tears have stopped, but his eyes still sting, and his heart still aches. "i shouldn't—"

"hyung, look at me."

and soobin does. he sees his own reflection in beomgyu's glassy eyes:. broken, pathetic, pitiful, _sad_. there are no galaxies in them, just a pitch dark black hole of sadness and longing.

"soobin, i can't possibly know what you and yeonjun were. but i know _you_ , and you deserve to be happy. you wouldn't have done anything wrong, the soobin i know wouldn't."

"no—"

"the soobin i know," beomgyu cuts him off, holding both of soobin's hands. "is full of _love_. he wants to make others happy, wants others to feel comfortable around him. he makes me want to be better, just for him."

soobin feels a fresh wave of emotions crash against him, shaking him from the core.

he doesn't _deserve_ this.

he doesn't deserve beomgyu and his love that soobin cannot reciprocate, hueningkai and the friendship that _he_ had ruined.

he didn't deserve yeonjun's last kiss.

he finds himself longing for all of it anyway.

"that soobin, i think, deserves to be happy. and that soobin is in you. somewhere, behind all the pain and hurt, i know you're there, hyung." the younger continues. "yeonjun is gone, but we are here. for you. maybe not in the way yeonjun was, we could never be that, but we're _here_."

soobin continues to only stare at beomgyu, the raging waves in his heart slowly calming down.

is this what it feels like, to finally let go of everything caged inside you for months? to have the lump in his throat dissolve?

"soobin, you can be happy. you can move on. it doesn't mean you're forgetting him behind; it only means you're taking him with you."

soobin cries again, but this time it isn't because he's angry. it isn't out of frustration or helplessness.

as salty tears sting his eyes again, there is only one thought echoing in his mind and heart.

"i just miss him," he confesses, a hand moving to his chest. "and it hurts. it hurts _so much_. i don't— i don't know what t-to do."

he feels beomgyu hug him yet again. "i know. and i'm sorry that i can't do anything." a soft kiss pressed on his forehead. "but we're here with you, hyung. we'll always be."

as he lets himself sink into beomgyu's comforting embrace, feeling light and free for the first time in months, he thinks of yeonjun.

it doesn't hurt that much anymore.

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

_i love you,_

_and i will love you,_

_just a day more than forever._

**_\+ 彡 +_ **

a new year. a new beginning.

soobin watches as taehyun and hueningkai sit on the couch, hands holding each others' tightly. an unspoken promise. soobin is familiar with those; he has made countless of them.

he manages to keep a wide smile on his face when the youngest turns to him, the reassuring smile ever present. it feels much realer than what soobin feels on his own face, but it's okay. the younger will understand.

he watches beomgyu near the kitchen, making a cup of hot chocolate. soobin nurses his own cup in his hands, letting the warmth spread through his palms.

there is a pointed emptiness in the room, in soobin's heart. he knows it will never go, that it will stay there, forever, achingly obvious.

he'll miss yeonjun forever.

but, soobin thinks as the clock strikes twelve, he'll remember his smile instead of the end. he'll remember their happiness, _them_ , to fill the space in his heart.

he thinks— _knows_ he will be fine.

"love you," he whispers into the air. "my forever."

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i sat on this for two whole months before even speaking about it on my twt..... God Knows how much i strugged with this. this was cathartic and emotionally draining at the same time. but this is perhaps the first time ever that i've planned a fic andactually went through the plan completely, so it's so satisfying to post this. i hope you loved it!!
> 
> [twt](https://www.twitter.com/typical_fangrl) | [cc](https://curiouscat.me/typical_fangrl)


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